Mindful Mama Journey

Secondary Infertility and Me: My Journey

My Experience With Secondary Infertility

My husband and I conceived our daughter in our second cycle of trying, and I gave birth to her when I was 32 years old. When she turned around three, we decided it was time to try for a second. Honestly, I thought I’d be pregnant by our third month of trying. Nope. Two-plus years later, and we’re still a family of three.

I didn’t even know what secondary infertility was until I experienced it myself.

I’d heard of people struggling to conceive their first child, but not their second. The idea of having trouble conceiving again after having no issues the first time seemed kind of absurd to me. Like… why wouldn’t my body know how to do this? Doesn’t it already know the drill?

But that’s the thing about secondary infertility — it doesn’t always make sense. And I know that firsthand (lol).

So, What Exactly Is Secondary Infertility?

Secondary infertility is when someone has difficulty conceiving a child after already conceiving and giving birth at least once. Sometimes the reasons are clear, and other times, they’re completely unexplained.

Some known factors include changes to the reproductive system (like blocked fallopian tubes), changes in male fertility, or age-related fertility issues.

After about a year of trying, tracking, and frustration (lol), my husband and I finally decided to make an appointment with a fertility clinic.

I knew I was older (we started trying when I was 35), but after a full workup, my results looked good. I had a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) to check my fallopian tubes — all clear. My egg count was normal. On paper, I should have been good to go. But… that wasn’t the case (lol).

I’ve had two IUIs (intrauterine inseminations) and both failed. If you’re not familiar, an IUI is when sperm is placed directly into the uterus around ovulation. My husband had his sperm tested too — let’s just say some of his guys aren’t the best swimmers (haha). But during an IUI, the sperm is “washed” so only the strong swimmers make it in. Each time, his count of strong sperm was above average! So, it’s probably not a “him” thing either — since his good swimmers were literally brought right to the source. No swimming required (haha).

What I Wish I Knew From the Start

Now that we’ve been trying for more than two years, here are a few things I wish I’d known from the beginning.

1. I Wish I Knew How to Handle the “Are You Trying for Another?” Question

When we first started trying for our second, we didn’t tell many people — especially my husband’s parents. We knew they wanted more grandchildren, but we didn’t want the pressure of them knowing we were trying.

In those early months, whenever my father-in-law would ask about more kids, I’d play coy. I’d say something like, “We’ll see,” and quickly change the subject. I can only imagine how stressful it would’ve been if they did know we were trying.

Even after the first year, I was still giving the “we’ll see” answer to friends and family. It wasn’t until we hit the two-year mark that I became more open and transparent. Honestly, keeping it secret stressed me out more — people kept asking, and I kept dodging.

Everyone comes around to sharing on their own terms, but now that my husband’s parents know our situation, they actually don’t ask anymore (which is great! lol). I’ve also become much more open about secondary infertility and wish more people talked about it too.

2. I Wish I Gave My Body More Grace

One of the hardest parts of secondary infertility was feeling angry at my body. I kept asking myself why it couldn’t function like my friends’ or family members’ — people who were getting pregnant multiple times.

Even after my tests showed that everything looked normal, I was still frustrated. If everything “checked out,” why couldn’t I conceive again? Honestly, that kind of thinking will drive you crazy — because for a while, it did. I used to think it would’ve been easier if they’d found something wrong, like blocked tubes, because then at least I’d have a reason.

But once I shifted my mindset and accepted that I’m a parent of one (for now), I realized my body was fine just as it is. This is the same body that brought my daughter into the world — the same body that lets me play, stay active, and keep up with her every day.

3. I Wish I Knew That the Best Thing I Could Give My Daughter Was Me

I used to hear people say they wanted multiple kids so their children could have “built-in best friends.” For a long time, that’s what I wanted for my daughter too — I worried about her social well-being.

But the truth is, having siblings doesn’t guarantee friendship. (My husband and I both have siblings, and we know every sibling relationship is unique.) I’ve realized the best thing I can give my daughter is me — a present, loving parent who shows up for her every day.

I think I’ve come a long way since we started trying for our second. Even though we haven’t physically grown our family, I can say that we’ve grown in love, patience, and presence.

If you’re going through secondary infertility, you’re not alone. I’m right there with you — even though social media sometimes makes it seem like you’re only a “real” mom if you have 2+ kids (lol).